I feel like I just broke up with somebody really important to me. Yet it is odd to say we broke up when we were friends, or trying not to cross the line of friendship into the land of the unknown. I think there was a lot that we did that crossed the line of friendship - but that is simply because I am not used to nor had a healthy friendship.
I’m not used to people being interested in my life, caring about me, or wanting to actually talk to me. There is a lot of hurt and damage for me to work through and I feel bad for the people that try to have relationships with me because I am definitely a work in progress.
I suck at boundaries. My family has horrible boundaries. I remember a time at a parade where I thought it was perfectly natural and normal for me to hold a strangers kid with the mom behind me. My mom once offered to hold a couples newborn so they could go on a ride at an amusement park. I see where we had unhealthy boundaries in these two examples. I’m starting to get it; this doesn’t take away from having to relearn everything.
I think what makes things difficult is that I am still going back to my family and I’m still around the unhealthy behaviors and boundaries. It is still difficult for me to say no to them and yes to me. I am still really scared.
I don’t know where this fear comes from - I think I need to take some time and work on healing my inner child.